I HAVE A TITLE!

Kites are fun.

2004-03-26T01:44:03Z

beefcake

2004-03-10T18:33:42Z

So, I've got less than six months now to get into shape for sex, so I started working out today. It was actually kind of fun. My parents have this little universal gym thingy (which I think they gave to me one Christmas years ago, actually) that I played with for a while. It was neat, and I think I figured out what all the parts do, even. Then I went to run on their treadmill, but I wanted something to watch while I did it, so I went looking for one of my old Red Dwarf tapes. I didn't find one, but I did find a tape labelled GranDiZer, clearly in my own handwriting. The first three minutes, or so, of the tape contains a recording of my sister pretending to host some kind of talk show, with me as the only guest. It involves the deaths of each of us, at different points. Then Grandizer starts. Oh, the glory. Mid-eighties anime, complete with the hero calling out the names of every weapon he uses before using it (one of which was "Rainbow Beam!", which I found entirely amusing), and an evil man whose face opens up to reveal an evil little woman. That's definitely my official treadmill show for a while.

And I just got a call from the shop where my car's at, and Allstate okayed the repairs, so I should have my car back in the middle of April sometime. Huzzah!

Need to shower now.

j

figrin @ 2004-03-05T22:47:00

2004-03-06T06:47:54Z

We got 98% on the love calculator. Hooray for totally irrelevant... damnit, I lost the word. I lose this word a lot, too. Maybe I should get it tattooed on me somewhere. Then I'd be able to find it all the time. I'm going to sit here until I remember it... I want to thesaurus.com it, but I can't think of a synonym, either... hmm... like when you support something by going along with it, even if you don't agree... sort of thing... damnit!.. it's not coming... how very upsetting.

I give up. Mad now.

j

music == fun + distracting

2004-03-05T21:17:48Z

Just did some instrumentation for the proposal song. I think that's its title now. So, for The Proposal Song, rather. Before I put any more work into it, I'll have to come back to it with fresh ears, to see if it's any good or not. Never can tell right away. Dunno if that's a good thing or not. I think I would be less experimental with composition if I knew things sucked as soon as I did them. Who knows.

I just noticed that in my last entry I wrote "the Rainbow" when I meant to write "that Rainbow". I think I like it. I think I'll start calling her The Rainbow now.

j

Harder again today.

2004-03-05T19:33:01Z

I went three days without smoking. Was going to go the whole time the Rainbow and I weren't talking, but the absence really hit me hard today, and I needed a ciggie. It was nice. The cigarette was nice, not the absence. Miss her a lot. Sucks pretty hard.

My hair looks really hot if I put it up in ponytails right after I shower, and let it dry like that, then take it down. Gets all sticky-outy. It's fun. You like it.

I think I need to play my guitar now.

j

I'm a silly little man.

2004-03-05T04:31:22Z

Felling a bit better today. Still just want to talk to Rainbow. You know. A lot. But that's just how it's going to be for a little while longer. Nothing to be done but to cope. So cope I shall. How well is another issue entirely.

Talked to the mechanic today. It'll be $13k for the repairs, or $18k if he replaces the transmission instead of repairing it. I was like, wtf? Why would I want to replace it if it can be repaired? I guess because it's a brand new car, he thought I would. But, whatever will get Allstate to fix it instead of totalling it, I'm all for, y'know? Looking good to me on that end. $13k for a $23k car don't sound like totalling numbers to me. But then again, what the hell would I know about it.

Prolly should have done some packing today, but I didn't get around to it. Will try to get some of that done tomorrow. We'll see. Sort of need to keep doing things that involve my mind more in order to avoid crashing into "I miss Rainbow" holes.

I'm going to try to journal every day. Think it'll be interesting for me. Be writing in the paper journal Rainbow gave me every night, too. We'll see how long this all lasts. I don't imagine it'll go for long once we're communicating again. Won't need to release myself here when I can release to her, sort of a thing.

I sort of miss video games. I haven't been playing for a couple of months now. I remember really liking them, but I just don't ever feel like playing anymore. Makes me a little sad, really, but it certainly took up a lot of my time. Maybe someday I'll find some sort of middle ground between constantly playing games and not playing games at all. Maybe... I don't know if this sounds crazy... but... occasionally playing games? revolutionary, that is

j

Stuff for the sharing.

2004-03-04T03:04:29Z

That's the engagement ring. Picture really doesn't do it any justice, but you get the idea.

And this is the song I used to propose. There are a couple of flub-ups in that recording, but I'm still a bit sick, so my voice is too ragged to try another run at it. I'll prolly try to get a really good recording done sometime. I'll post it if I do.

Still feeling pretty shitty. I don't know what's the matter with me. Bill called to ask about my car, and because he knew I wasn't talking to Rainbow, so I probably needed someone to talk to me for a little while (God bless his soul for that). So we were talking for a little while, and I started talking about how I wasn't really all that upset about the car, I just missed Rainbow a lot, and all of a sudden, I've got these tears streaming down my face. I mean, what the fuck? I'm crying now, because I miss my fiance? After a day and a fucking half? I really hope she's dealing with it better than I am.

j

(Edit: I just realised that the recording I posted does not contain the vocals... sigh... I'll fix it sometime.)

Prolly be writing a lot this week.

2004-03-03T23:48:35Z

Need to do whatever I can to keep my mind occupied. Talked to the guy at the shop where my Mini's sitting right now. Still couldn't give me an estimate, but if Allstate doesn't total it, it'll prolly still be the middle of April before they're done fixing it.

I just really want to talk to Rainbow. Why is this so hard? I'll see her again next week... I just saw her yesterday morning, for fuck's sake... ... I hope she has a productive week... I think I will, but this hurts so much right now.

Yeah... all my posts are gunna be pretty angsty until I get to see my fiance again. Deal with it.

j

Life is so hard sometimes...

2004-03-03T07:11:46Z

The proto-engagement is officially over. Rainbow and I got engaged on Sunday morning at about 3 am. So exciting. The ring looks so cute in her belly. I'll post a picture when I get a chance.

So, a couple of weeks ago, Rainbow and I decided to fast from each other for this week. We won't be in any kind of contact until we can see each other in person next week sometime. It's only been since this morning that I saw her... but I miss her so freaking much! I thought being engaged would make it easier... I'm some kind of retarded apparantly. I don't know how I'm going to survive the whole time. I just hope that it's purposeful for at least one of us, and it does bring either her or me (or both of us) closer to God. Because if it doesn't, and this was a wasted effort... I will be so sad... So very sad... can't wait to get to see her again.

j

Fucking Autolog!

2004-02-20T20:23:29Z

Yeah, no problem, you'll have your car in two weeks.

(two weeks later)

I'm afraid the shipment is running a little late, you'll have it by the end of next week.

(the end of next week)

-ring-
Hello, this is Autolog.
Yeah, I have a car being transported by you guys, and I wanted to check on it's status.
Ok, let me just check here.... (pause)... I'm going to tranfer you over to Kim.
um... okay...
Hello, this is Kim. Unfortunately, the train your car is being transported on is running a little late. You should be able to pick your car up on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

j

I don't think I need a subject. Just random musings.

2004-02-20T06:01:25Z

So, I haven't journalled in a while... least not here... so I thought I would now. Cuz I've been studying for an exam, and my brain hurts.

Cuz when I was in elementary school, one class, or grade, or something, had to make anti-drug posters as part of the oh-so-effective DARE campaign. All of these posters were proudly displayed in the lunch room. Most of the posters were just copies of one or another anti-drug ad... they were made by elementary school students, after all, and as I've recently been made aware, all elementary school students are either geniuses or retards. The real gem, to my thinking, was the one that read "This is your Brian. This is your Brian on drugs. Any questions?" There are so few things that I can remember thinking were funny in elementary school that can still make me laugh. The only other thing that comes to mind is the Madlibs book that we filled out completely with variations on the words "fuck" and "shit". But I only think that's funny still because I remember the look on my mom's face when she found it.

So, my car still hasn't come yet. Getting a little upset about it now. If it doesn't come tomorrow I'll... I dunno... write my congressman, or something. Course it's all Rainbow's fault that it didn't come today, so maybe I should be mad at her. Yeah. um... grr... or something.

Got an email from Rich today. He's down here right now, so he gets to meet Rainbow on Saturday. I'm glad he's going to get to meet her before we actually get engaged. Me and her, not me and him.

I don't think I'm as smart as I think I am. Not to say I'm not smart. I think one of my favorite phrases right now is "I'm a pretty smart fucker." God has been really generous with me in that regard. I just think I may have an over-inflated idea of my intellect. It seems like more things should be easier for me. Maybe it's an issue of memory rather than intellect. I know I don't have a good memory. Yeah. I like that interpretation.

j

A Pictoral Guide to Last Weekend

2004-02-03T08:06:47Z

Love this look. Don't get it a lot. But I think that's good.

Took three pictures here. Rainbow looked beautiful in all of them, of course, but I looked progressively: insane, high, then dead inside. This is the dead one.

Looked after Benkami's kids for a little while on Saturday. This is Eden. Who looks like a boy. But isn't.

This is Rainbow being absolutely apalled at what a Winnie the Pooh movie is teaching children about motherhood. I hope I can generate that face at least once in my life. I think it's fun.

Feeding fries to Eden. Silly kid.

Dove is the queen of the TV!

Favorite picture. Like the lighting a lot. This is us on Rainbow's parent's couch. Slept there for a while on Saturday night. Really nice.

Rainbow's parent's kitchen. Thought it was a cute image. Picture turned out a little mushy, cuz I couldn't use the flash. Cuz it's a mirror. Don't really like flashes much anyway, but tough to get enough exposure without them.

Second favorite picture. Hair smells so nice. Slept on my couch for a bit Sunday night. Even nicer.

Got to turn her ring around Sunday night, so she would acknowledge that we're dating. Weird girl. Very excited that the ring is facing the right way, though.

j

Marriage at the Resurrection

2004-01-29T21:26:22Z

Matthew 22:29&30

Jesus replied, "You are in error because you do not know the Scripture of the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."

Mark 12:24&25

Jesus replied, "Are you not in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God? When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."

Luke 20:34&35

Jesus replied, "The poeple of this age marry and are given in marriage. But those who are considered worthy of taking part in that age and in the resurrection from the dead will neither marry nor be given in marriage, and they can no longer die; for they are like the angels. They are God's children, since they are children of the resurrection."

I never really paid a whole lot of attention to these passages in my previous incarnation as a Christian, except to try to convince Kendal that Mormon teachings are wrong. Now it just makes me sort of sad. I think that's mostly selfishness, though. I'm working on selfishness.

j

1 Thessalonians 4:11&12

2004-01-28T21:41:29Z

Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

A quiet life seems a strange thing for scripture to exhort, considering all the proclamations about aspiring to be like Jesus. That dude's life was not quiet. My Ryrie Study Bible suggests that this passage is directly connected to 2 Thess. 3:11&12, which says:

We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.

Which is interesting (and I think useful in terms of "church-lady gossip" sort of thing), but I think saying that's the end of it puts a bit of an arbitrary limit on the 1 Thess. passage. It seems to me that the point is one of being an example to those who have not been touched by God the way we have. Not just an example in spiritual things, but in the mundane stuff as well. Be happy with your life, don't cause a bunch of drama, whatever you do, do it as well as you can. That sort of thing.

I don't know. I'm not sure how much of what I just said I actually agree with. I'm still having trouble with quiet life, and I'm not sure I'll be able to sort it out to myself until I actually have a conversation with someone about it.

j

Oscar Wilde is a nerd.

2004-01-28T01:28:20Z

I'm reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray", and found a couple of pieces I really liked:

"I want to make Romeo jealous. I want the dead lovers of the world to hear our laughter, and grow sad. I want a breath of our passion to stir their dust into consciousness, to wake their ashed into pain."

"why does he love me so much? I know why I love him. I love him because he is like what Love himself should be. But what does he see in me? I am not worthy of him. And yet - why, I cannot tell - though I feel so much beneith him, I don't feel humble. I feel proud, terribly proud."

Which, with a great deal of pronoun-switching, is a lot of where I've been this last week.

Just put some dye in my hair. I cannot believe how long it's been since I dyed my hair. What is wrong with me? Nothing real fancy, just a black stripe that goes from my bangs down the back of my head. Tried to bring it into my eyebrow and beard, too, but that doesn't usually work very well. Nother twenty minutes or so, and we'll see.

Oh, one more Wilde quote, though this one I'm not relating to right now, I just think it sounds neat:

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."

Makes me really sad, somehow.

j

Hebrews 6:4-6

2004-01-26T22:18:16Z

It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

Interesting passage. Very important to me, because I just spent so many years away from God, and have come back, and know that what I have now is real. I don't know that I have anything to say about it that hasn't been said already, but here's my take:

I don't really like making semantic arguments for two reasons: first, just because I don't tend to find them particularly persuasive, or really very substantive in general; second, and specifically aimed toward Biblical passages, is that I don't speak Greek, so I can't read the passage as it was originally written, and judge it from that. However, I do believe that if a particular translation (NIV in this case) was not done properly, God would not still allow it to have such a significant impact. Anyway, all that to preface the first of this being a primarily semantic argument.

There are three points that I believe are especially significant to this passage. The first is the word impossible, which at first reads as very harsh, but I believe is not intended that way, necessarily. I believe that the word impossible exists in the passage to make it clear that it is human actions that are being discussed, not divine ones. Nothing is impossible with God (camel through the needle and all that), so when a passage says something is impossible, it seems to me that a "for you", or "for man" is tacit. The second bit of import is that it says repentance and not salvation. This is a little of an aside from my main point, but I am not sure what I believe about the idea of salvation being lost, and it is important to me that this passage can not be used as definitive proof that it is possible to lose a relationship with God. I believe repentance to be an integral part to coming to that relationship, but I don't believe that it is possible to live in a perpetual state of repentance. If we did, we would never sin, right? And I think it's made clear in scripture that even those with healthy relationships with God will, at times, fall into sin, even if just briefly. The third bit, and I think the point of the passage, is be brought back. It doesn't say "come back", it says that it is impossible for me, no matter how much I would like to, or how much I love him, to force another person back to God. Repentance (in the sense of sin, not of hurt to another person) is not an external thing. My repentance is between me and God, no one else is involved, right? Not to say that we cannot encourage repentance, or rejoice in it in someone else, but we cannot cause it. I think that's what the whole passage comes down to for me: an admonition against becoming disheartened if you cannot convince someone else to run back into God's arms. They have to do that themselves (prodigal son-style), or God has to do it. You can be an example, and love them as you always should, but you cannot make anyone do anything.

Moving out of semantics now, and into what I know from my own life. I know this passage is not saying that if someone falls away from God, they can never come back. I know this because I did fall away. And I have come back. And my relationship with God is stronger now, and more significant, than it ever was before.

Man, it was really good for me to dig into a piece of scripture like that. Haven't done in so long. I should do that more often. If anyone has any suggestions for passages, please do share.

j

Protect me from what I want.

2004-01-26T04:55:16Z

That's a Placebo song. It's amazing.

My problem is I don't know what I want. I know I want Rainbow... I know exactly what I want with Rainbow. And I know what I want from my relationship with God. But everything else is a blur. Why don't I have any ambition? Why can't I care about what I'm going to "do with my life"? I keep trying to convince myself that it's somehow admirable, but that's a bunch of crap is what that is. I keep praying for guidance... I want to know where God wants me going. I think I may know what he wants for the short term. And maybe I should just trust that he will continue to guide me, but I feel so useless right now. I'm sitting here crying, counting the minutes until I get to talk to Rainbow again, because nothing else feels significant right now. I'm getting all fucking needy now. I hate that about myself. But I don't know what to do about it. All of this is just impatience, I'm sure, but... I don't know... I have trouble with patience. I just spent two hours studying for a midterm tomorrow, and realised that I was not the least bit interested in any of what I was studying. What the fuck am I doing with my life? And I look at Rainbow's picture, and she deserves so much more than this crap from the man in her life...

Feeling really crappy right now. Guess I just needed to vent for a while. Apologies.

Nothing can ruin my day...

2004-01-22T21:21:02Z

Just talked to the salesman at the dealership where I'm buying my mini. He was pretty pissed cuz the car's been there for something like a month, and I said I'd finance through my bank, then after three weeks of getting jerked around by them, I told him I'd finance through him, then he sent me paperwork that I couldn't sign cuz I'd be commiting fraud, and then my bank told me they would finance me for a lesser amount, so I'm going with them. He said he just wanted me to keep him informed about what was going on, but I think he was mad he wouldn't get whatever commission they give him for financing. Whatever. Going in to the bank with my dad, should be tomorrow, to get everything finally signed and all that. Man this has been a trial.

But I'm in love, so nothing can bring me down.

I just better have the car before Lakeside.

j

Very Happy

2004-01-09T02:49:13Z

I don't know if I've every prayed for peace before. It really is quite nice. Especially when it's so immediate. Amazing.

'Cuz I was starting to get a little worried, cuz (I'm going to see how many cuz's I can include in this entry) I think all of Rainbow's friends are warning her against getting "involved" with me, and I'm afraid they're seeing something I don't see, or know something I don't know, and I really don't want to be any kind of... impediment?... to her in any way. So I prayed about it, and I feel so content right now to let God do whatever he's going to do. Maybe I'll like it, and maybe I won't, but I know he knows what's best for the both of us, and I think I'm ready to let that be. Maybe. I guess we'll see how honest I'm being with myself.

Got three rings put in my cartilage today. Really like it, but sort of hurts like a mofo right now.

mmm... cherry flavored candy cane...

Ok, I guess I only got two in, but they were so close together, it just feels weird.

j

Slang

2004-01-07T08:10:32Z

I don't know how people will communicate in heaven, but I hope it'll be like people communicate here. Cuz I like the idea that there will be slang. So you'll get skater kids from 1984 saying "totally radical" alongside some fop from 19th century england using whatever slang they had there, and some BC Hebrew guy using whatever slang they had then. I just find the idea endlessly amusing.

j

Bury Me

2004-01-07T06:43:59Z

--

Very simple vocals. Should be a neat song if we can do it right. Just about feeling like I have to hide the way I feel in order to keep a relationship. Pretty standard "end of depression" stuff, but neat anyway, I think.

I wrote another song, but it sucks, so I'm not posting it.

j

I was so happy for a while today...

2004-01-06T07:51:45Z

But I'm just confused now. I think change is okay... as long as she doesn't go anywhere... I hope.

I discovered how nice life is when you like people. Because Rainbow's always saying "Love God, Love People" (Well, okay, I don't think I've ever actually heard her say that, but her shoes and emails do), so as part of my... um... quest... for some kind of spiritual reawakening, I decided to try to not be annoyed with people. Then I started actually seeing them and listening to them. It was an amazing experience.

I can choose to believe in God again. I think that's legitimate. Now I need to feel like He's with me. Again? I don;t know if I ever felt that before, or not... hmm...

j

I'm So Afraid You'll Leave

2004-01-03T02:48:05Z

I see the way you look at them
And I can't understand it
I see the way you love
But I don't know what that is

I believe that there is love here
But I don't know how to find it
I believe that I can know
Somehow

You see the way I touch you
Sometimes
You've been so far away
I know that I offend you
Sometimes
Please don't go away

I'm so afraid of what you'll do
When you find out how I feel
I'm so afraid you'll leave
I'm so afraid you'll leave

I don't know what I'll do with myself
If I can't confide in you
I'm so afraid you'll leave
I'm so afraid you'll leave

You see the way I touch you
Sometimes
You've been so far away
I know that I offend you
Sometimes
Please don't go away

If I could fix all that I've done
I'd fix nothing but you
I'd take back all the words
That pushed you away

I can't bring myself to lie to you
So I'll say everything I feel
I hope you can forgive
I hope you can forgive

You see the way I touch you
Sometimes
You've been so far away
I know that I offend you
Sometimes
Please don't go away

My place was never by your side
But I can't let go
My place was never by your side

I presume too much I know
But I can't see another way
My vision has been blocked
By you
----

This one's pretty self-explanatory, I think. It's about how I'm afraid Rainbow will react when she reads the last entry.

Early Drums/Guitar/Vocal mix here.

j

Everything

2004-01-03T01:42:33Z

I tried to do everything
I tried to find my way back home
Without you
But I never thought I'd be the one to leave

You
Aside your broken hole
You
Can never be alone

I see everything I want
It means everything to me
I found everything I want
Put inside of me
I have everything I want
I am everything I need
Without anything to want
How can I ever feel complete
----

I'm not yet sure if this song is finished or not. I was feeling really shitty yesterday morning, because I was getting all obsessive about a girl who definitely does not want me to be obsessive with her. Not that any girls really want obsession, but she doesn't even want the kind of relationship in which obsession can be... apropriate? (I had myself half convinced that this might not really be the case, until I found her livejournal today and felt my eyes burning with the words "nothing romantic will ever happen". Jesus Christ, how can she be so fucking final. Ugh... I cannot express what that just did to me. New song soon, maybe.) Anyway.... was upset with myself for the obsession, which brought up a bunch of other crap with it, so I wrote this song. Just came out, so I'm going to try to figure it out now.

In general terms, I think it's just about all the failed relationships I've left behind. The first and last bits are about my (and I think a lot of people's) tendancy toward wanting what I can't have. Then as soon as I can have it, I become disinterested. (Well that sheds a bit of light on that first paragraph, doesn't it. Not the disinterest... I dunno... I'm so fucking retarded.) The middle bit is about jealousy. "Aside your broken hole" is jealousy towards those who've had their hearts broken by significant relationships, not just petty obsessions that never really meant anything. The second bit is jealousy of Rainbow. Of all the relationships she has that are so significant, as well as for the significance she feels in her relationship with her God. I envy her for the love she has for so many people, and at the same time, I get upset when I have to share her attention. Someday I'll grow up. Maybe.

I'm pretty sure that's all the lyrical content there will be in that song.

j

The End of the World in a Bottle

2004-01-03T01:17:22Z

I lost it all
I had it in my hand, but I took my eyes away
I've seen it all
I thought we had a chance, but you took your eyes away

Sinner sinner
And I'll give my life for you
Sinner sinner
And I'll leave it up to you
Sinner sinner
And you'll give your life for you
Sinner sinner
And I'll never be like you

You had it all
I looked above myself, but I could not find the way
You felt the fall
You never had a chance, but you did it anyway
----

I wrote this song some time ago, but I'm still not entirely sure what it's about. I think most of it is about the fall of Lucifer and the other angels. I find the idea that Lucifer was meant to fall, that it was part of the plan from the beginning of time, fascinating. If you listen to a lot of Christians rhetoric about men being different from angels because of free will, I don't know that there is any other conclusion to draw, but I'd bet good money that the people putting the rhetoric forth would deny it as a possibility. The subject is dealt with elegantly in a short story by Neil Gaiman called Murder Mysteries, which can be found in his short story collection Smoke and Mirrors as well as in graphic novel form.

The problem I still have with interpreting this song is in the first person bits. When I wrote it, I just sang and played, and wrote it down when it seemed to have solidified. It may just be a rhetorical tool, but when shit comes out of me so freely, I have trouble believing that. Maybe someday I'll understand myself.

j